So You Think You Can Write Essays.ph Style?

No more blahs and fancy nonsense. This, is real life.

Not everybody can write and not all those who write can do what we, freelance writers, do. Take that you poor airheads that are full of insecurities. I've come to realize this truth after more than a year as a writer for Essays.ph. You may think of this expression of thought as pure bragging, it is in a way and you can not blame me. Well, freelance writing is not an easy job and it deserves some bragging. And not just freelance writing in general but freelance writing in Essays.ph. And hey, I'm a freelance writer for EPH, what else do you think I would say about my job? That it sucks? Yeah right.

If you think you can not take this, stop reading and consider suicide. But if you think you want my job, consider the following.

DO NOT APPLY AS AN ESSAYS.PH WRITER IF...

1.) ... you hate deadlines and time constraints. I'm telling you, you will not succeed in this field. Freelance writers are used to time pressure, in fact, we enjoy it. Our souls reach a certain state of euphoria when we beat deadlines and sometimes we even create even shorter deadlines for ourselves - that is nirvana. And, finishing multiple assignments within twenty four hours? Wow, heaven! And hello? Where in the whole universe can you find a writing job without deadlines? Wake up! Reality check brothers and sisters. Maybe you don't like the sound of that. You say it's torture? You say it's hell? Then find your own utopia in sharpening pencils for pre-schoolers in your barangay day care centers rather than doing freelance writing jobs, or you can just watch your own hair grow in the mirror.

2.) ... you don't want to be trained in writing about various topics. Yes, EPH writers can write anything under the sun, literally. Everything that you can see, feel, hear, taste and smell and even the things that your ESP can detect, from hotels in Italy to FOREX to male enhancements to sex positions to acne to dogs to diet plans to ghosts to the stars to the gods to the whole universe, name it, we can surely produce articles that are worth reading! If you don't like that, then just write - in the following years until the day all the gods summon you up into the heavens (or hell) - about your lovelife, or wallow about the rain and how it makes you sad because you're single, or complain because your parents did not give you money and your boyfriend did not text you, then call yourself a good, well-rounded and accomplished writer.

3.) ... you don't want to make use of your writing skills to earn money. Then let those skills rot. Let those burn in hell. Let them wander around the underworld with Hades. Let them run carefree and be hit by a ten-wheeler. Or if you want to be awarded with the Nobel Prize, donate those skills to the children of Africa - they need it more than you do. Essays.ph does pay, in fact, generously. (They should be the ones awarded with the Nobel.) Will you let your writing prowess go to waste? Hey, the moolah is calling you! Well, if you don't want to celebrate your birthday with the fruits of your writing or if the idea of changing your wardrobe with your own earnings from writing about sex positions is not appealing to you, then just watch TV and wait for money to fall from the sky or wait for the trees to bear one-thousand peso bills.

4.) ... you don't want to become a part of history. Jose Rizal was a writer and he became a hero because of it. You can be a hero, too. You can change your barangay or your city or the Philippines or even the world with your writing. You can be a great individual that every person in the world will praise and envy. Your name will have the same resonance as greatness. You will become the new standard. You will become the new sex. You will become an entirely different specie! (Nah, I just want to say that.)

5.) ... you don't want to broaden your network of friends. EPH is actually a team of amazing, wonderful, extraordinary, fabulous and beautiful (of course) people. We are not just writers, we are friends. (If you think that you do not belong to any of those adjectives, forget about EPH.) Thanks to the Cyber Office (and also Facebook and Plurk) where we mingle online and socialize as if we are in a real life office. But our socialization doesn't just happen online, EPH writers meet once in a while, setting our assignments and real jobs (if one really does have a real job) aside, and try to enjoy the joys of life, er, like vices? *evil grin* And who in the world doesn't want to meet Neil Raymundo? Even the Dalai Lama wants to meet him. If you don't like friends then just go to the mountains and plant kamote. Talk to the trees, the ants, the wind, the rocks or yourself and miss the opportunity of a lifetime to meet the very famous Neil Raymundo! You can also just go to a dark a room, light a candle, and befriend your shadow.

6.) ... you don't want to write. Before hitting the apply button in the Essays.ph website, make sure that the air you breathe is writing. EPH writers do not just write for writing's sake. We try to put the best foot forward to make the best outputs because hey, writing is what we actually do best. There is no reason that EPH writers can not make an excellent article on anything because our life is, well, writing. If you think that you are not a good writer then forget about EPH, remember that you are applying for a writing position. Come on, can you be a Roman if you are from Egypt? Will you apply as a chef if you don't even know how to perfectly cook an egg? Will you be a writer if you're not good in writing? If you are saying that you are a writer and that you are a good one because it is the one thing that you know you're good at and it is your one true love then go. If suddenly you're not sure, then just go to the salon and get your hair done or go get a manicure or pedicure. You can also just go out and catch the rain, drop by drop. Or, just drop dead.

You think you can write? That's good. You think you're an excellent writer? Better. You think you can be an EPH writer? Think again.